I don't really do posts for people we have lost, but this hit so hard that I felt I had to say SOMETHING. When I was 9 a new show premiered that attracted all my attention. It became the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me. I was all about the fandom, had all the toys, still have a bunch I have saved over the years. I was the perfect age for this show. It was made for my generation, and left a mark on even toddlers at the time. Everything was about Power Rangers. When me and my friend played outside, it was Power Rangers, bedsheets? Power Rangers. I had stuffed toys and so much more. I was lucky enough to be able to bring this show into my oldest daughters life. It was a moment we always shared together with big bowls of cereal and talks about how life was back then. They were the moments that made me a dad. Recently, someone, I admired completely, my favorite Power Ranger took his own life. I still have a hard time saying that.
The problem here is I can't talk, I have tried to take myself out of the equation more then once and luckily someone was always there to save me and try to set me on the right track. I am 8 years free of suicide attempts and I am pretty god damn proud of that fact. The other problem is, I looked up to my heroes to pull me back into reality. Maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe someone should have noticed something, maybe there were no signs.
We rarely see the inside of someone, especially when it comes to men. Sometimes, a little light bulb clicks. When I was in my 20's I was riding around with some friends. We came to a stop light and my friend got out of the car without a word and shot himself. It was the most traumatic thing I can say has ever happened to me. It left a big scar. So why do we do it? Why do we hide everything inside? Is it dead tradition from the elders that we are supposed to "act like men"? Is it the ultimate cry for help? I can't for the life of me figure it out. I became a lot more vocal about my feelings over the past 8 years, talking about the smallest thing has helped whether it put me in a partial hospitalization day program, or just an ear to listen. I also learned over the years that sometimes its scary to talk, some people feel shame.
I am here today to say I have mental illnesses, more than one. For a long time, I didn't get them to break. They would put me into a suicidal slump, I scared my daughter, and my wife. Not by being violent, but I killed them with silence, and speeches about how I just didn't want to live anymore. What could we do at the time? Counselors and therapists were booked out for months. So... We made the choice to come home and raise our family where I was raised, a new hope surged over me, but quickly died. So I was hospitalized after a few months, it was the worst three days I ever had, being away from my family. I signed myself out the day after I was put in but had to wait the weekend. Something clicked in me. I was a dad, a husband, everything I went through I conquered. I felt a certain pride, I wanted to help others, that's why I created this place over time. It's all a god time to make people feel better and that they aren't alone.
If you feel like you can't make it, just empty your guts out verbally to someone you love and trust. It's OK to talk to the people you love. It's also OK not to be OK, however that doesn't mean it's OK to stay that way. Let someone in. Ask a friend how they are. Please, someone stop this epidemic. It's cursed us for so many years and its time to try and help the situation. There are places you can go for immediate help, even if it means staying a few days, it's worth your life. Suicide makes a mess that the people left behind have to clean up. It's like trashing a party and leaving. There are crisis lines and even warm lines in every state, they run 24 hours just for someone to talk to in private. If you go to a Catholic church don't you spill your guts in confession? There are people trained to be loving and caring. Take advantage of the free services! Just stay here and live it out until it ends. The future may shock you into being dedicated to a full fun life like I now live. Even when I slip up, which happens a lot the way my illnesses are. I know where to go for help when things get too bad, and it's OK to need one of those places. Don't trash the party and leave, stay and help clean it up. Be the good person for others like we are supposed to be, stop thinking your life only affects you.
STAY RAD!
コメント