Anyone who reads my work, literally anyone at all, knows I have mental health problems. I am very open about them because, to be honest, they consume my life sometimes and I have to talk my way through things. Plus, the outreach and support from fans and friends are top-notch. I try to be open with my kids, not about the dark times, just about reaching out when they have too many feelings. My youngest? She gets overwhelmed, a lot, and is one big bag of tiny drama with her school friends and "boyfriends", and she's only 8. However, this piece is focused around her, because she inspired the thoughts and ideas for this one.
When you have an 8 year old and their school calls, you expect to be picking them up sick. So when I answered the phone I thought really nothing of it. Until the cold truth was laid on us, it wasn't the nurse, it was her counselor. She had written in a school journal that she wanted to "destroy her life". My heart sank, I knew what was coming of this. It was a tough conversation. The counselor asked if she would hurt herself, she said no, she just sometimes wished to be dead. She's fucking 8... It was hard to take. Through it all I realized something... She is just like me at that age.
I went through a lot as a kid as I have said, and written an entire book about in the past. It was rough, full of loss, and other things that most people couldn't fathom. I grew up with a mentally ill mother, who chose to have us live in filth because she couldn't keep up with regular tasks. She passed that on to me (without the filth part, growing up like that made me OCD on being clean). It wasn't fun, there was nothing glorious about it, but my Mom was going through some stuff, I had to support her right? So I did, and exhausted the life out of me, on top of grief, loss, and the illnesses passed on. I was an overemotional wreck most of the time, living in a fantasy land. I had friends there, people that didn't talk to me in school, did in my mind when I was alone. I acted out skits, and life situations with these mind intrusions. To be honest? It's kind of something I still struggle with, and knowing what I know now, I understand why. I am mentally ill, and on the spectrum, there isn't much I can do about that. It's my best, and worst traits at the same time.
Watching my daughter I feel kind of guilty, I should have seen this sooner, I should have gotten her into therapy. I should have seen the warning signs because they were clear, we just passed it off as being a kid. I can't even blame myself, I just wanted her to be happy. However, she is happy, at her best moments. She can also be an emotional wreck who calls herself "emo" and chooses to dress in black some days. What scares me, is what the future holds. I don't want her to grow up the way I did, in and out of hospitals trying to figure everything out, I want her to be taken care of and loved. I want to fight for her, and I will. Even if we have to go into this alone, we will, even if everyone else pushes it off as dramatic and unimportant, we will be working alongside a school therapist who will meet with her weekly.
I know it can be a mess, I spent my teen years in and out of hospitals and fighting treatment. She does not have that option. Emma has a very self-aware Dad, who will be working behind the scenes with her constantly so at the very least, she knows she has support from us. I made one promise to myself when I found out I was gonna be a dad, and come hell or high water I will stick to it. That commitment is that my kids will never have to grow up the way I did. They aren't guilted into submission, or crawling over dirty diapers to get into bed at night. They have a support behind them that has an undying love, which is my Wife and I.
She will be fine, and I can tell myself that now. The shock of realizing she really is just like me sank in and settled itself down. We can move forward now, with everything. Nobody has to be happy all the time, but everyone should feel safe with their most trusted person in their life, themselves.
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