Ok moving right in to part 2.
I planned and plotted for weeks, until I could afford a bus ticket, for a small vacation. There was a lot of lines crossed at this time, and a whole lot of hearts broken. There's demons we keep in the closet of these moments, and there was eventually joy again. I had committed the ultimate sin in my eyes. I was ashamed, but joyous, I couldn't help it. There is also demons I will never have to relive again of growing up, but at the time, I was extremely vengeful and looking for a way out.
I never would have thought in a million years I was the glue holding everyone together, and when I left, there was a spiral. I had not only opened the portal to freedom, I ripped it open emotionlessly for a very selfish reason. But to me, I will never forget those times, they are equally important to my Dad years. I will always say, I did not do things the correct way, but I don't regret them either. I had to find myself, and live for me, and be free, and have a blast doing so. Not long after I left, my Mom decided to leave my Dad. She called me one day out of the blue to thank me for giving her the drive to do so. It crushed me, but of course, I put that away to tell her she did right. And almost dialed the phone just to talk to him, but never did. I went back to focusing on myself, and living the life, sleeping where I wanted, going where I wanted. Eventually, I came home again, and left, and came home, several times. No one ever knew when I was leaving either. I became a master at packing all my belongings within 20 minutes and catching a ride before anyone even knew it. I was ALWAYS good at running.
After years, of exhausting myself, ending up in hospitals, begging for money, and having the time of my life doing so it came to a crashing end. I had travelled all over the country, and now, my Mom had said enough. At the time I was 27, and ended up in quiet a stint at a dual diagnosis facility. And, my Mom came for visiting hours unexpectedly. This was my first time speaking to her without fighting in a very long time. She held my hand again, and begged me to slow down and come home. I was more than happy with the idea. But only because I knew I could leave if it got bad without a worry again. We were in a test phase. A test it was about to be. More than ever before, we didn't have my Dad regulating thins as usual, he never said much, but he always said enough to calm everyone down. The day she picked me up it was pouring rain, we had a four hour drive home. If I would've known that that four hour drive was gonna bring me to my next stop, I may have planned it better. My Mom seemed like she was doing so much better, she had found a new friend and someone to spend time with her, they spent all day playing Yahtzee on the porch and such and she had made a true friend. It was all she talked about the entire ride. We arrived at a beat up trailer, barely big enough for anyone, but she was doing it on her own. I had to commend it and call the place my new home. I was greeted by so many people that helped change my life and realize how badly I needed true help, and how much I wanted to help others.
Upon walking in, it was cluttered and chaotic, the way it always was growing up. I immediately flashed back. What brought me back to reality was the high pitched hello from the kitchen. The voice came from someone bobbing their head over a sink of dishes imagining music in her head, flowing to an invisible beat, in a be bop kind of way. The greeting was of general excitement and pep. It was honestly, a life saver in a flood, I immediately fell in love with hearing her speak. My Mom's new friend turned out to be a neighbor exactly my age. She had replaced the loneliness with someone to fill all the voids. A Daughter figure she could confide in, because my Sister was, and is always gonna be who she is. A handful you can't help but love. I could say the same about this other girl. She was high energy and always laughing. I spent all my waking moments around her. I was in love, but so was she, with someone else and it just wasn't gonna work, so she became my best friend instead because, you can't stop a storm from developing. We were two in the same person. Equally childish and annoying to each other. The difference was she had a future planned out. She was a responsible thinker and I was, still kinda running amuck. So I continued on my path, which was just kind of.... Getting ready to embark on another road trip down South, to a new heart I found.
That uh, didn't... work out. I was alone and angry and thought I would be forever. I resented everyone, I lost the fun I was having and gave up. I chose to act out the best way I knew, and swallowed a whole bunch of pills to finally just get some sleep. I don't remember much of the rest but, I remember the face she made when I opened my eyes. It wasn't my Mom standing there, it was the face of the friendliest person I ever met. Holding my hand and giving me the 'look'. I'll never forget it, even after I am long gone. Instead of guilt, I saw concern again. From that moment on me and this person had a special bond. She was no longer a friend, she was a protector. The fun loving person I knew was still there, but much different. She became a mother hen, if I had an episode, she was the first one to the scene that knew directly how to diffuse the situation. Naturally, she could change anything heading in a bad direction. She took charge, and willingly gave up more time to be with us. She became a staple in my life. We talked for hours, all day, about everything. When she went home, she made sure all wounds were mended so there were no odd fights to tend to in the middle of the night. One cold dreary Fall day she stormed in the house after slamming a bunch of doors. Seeing her in a huff, and her true self, gave me a further emotion I tried to stuff in. The happy bubbly person I met over the summer was standing in front of me in ripped jeans and clunky skater shoes. I realized she was true perfection and got even angrier that someone else had her heart.
As it turned, she wasn't as put together as she looked or acted, and she wasn't as happily in love as I assumed. There was a fight and some exchanged words outside the house when he dropped her off that morning before going to work. At this age in my life, I chalked it up to drama and it got me even angrier, because I heard her fall in and out of love with him all day. After some more banter that night when he came to pick her up, my Mom thought she was safer staying with us, and she agreed. I had been used to having the night to process my thoughts of all things going on, now my time were being intruded on. As the hours ticked by, we talked a lot. At 2:35 AM in the middle of watching The Oblongs, things were admitted by her, and realized by me. Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut and take a jump, she did, and at 6 AM she fell asleep next to me, and has been here for over 11 years. Being the same person she has always been, never once changing, only giving more love with a bad attitude, yeah I said it, and I wouldn't take her any other way. My wife is a staple for everyone, every major move I have made in my life, she's been here pushing me to make sure I follow through.
That look only means trouble, always will
Being a Mom is her greatest honor. There is honestly, nothing else she is interested in besides Harley Quinn collectibles. She is mouthy, funny and unpredictable, me, but.. Much better at it. She doesn't even come close to claiming to having it down. She is working on her own mess. More quietly and more bravely than I ever could. I would be lying to say everything is perfect, but, when it comes to being a parent she just keeps giving. She never stops being a Mom while still trying to be a Wife with a lot of her own on her shoulders. I am not saying she doesn't break down plenty, but she gets right back up and does it again, and always ALWAYS encourages me to do the same. She has been with me through all the moments, and uses her own experience to try and be as good of a mother as she can. Mom's man, they just got it fucking rough plain and simple. They give the most heart, because they are always physically bonded, They have shared the same inner nutrient to share her life as one. I could never, or never would want to compete with that. My wife is the definition of heroine. Enrooted in tradition and wholesome views, with the mouth of a sailor. Oh and the attitude of a hyped up Gremlin. She deserves the world though, and her own special day.
NEERRRDDDSSSS!!!
Up until doing this, I worked, that was my life, she made these kids who they are, I cant deny I helped, but I don't deserve the type of holiday she does. My last post was all about that subject though. In the end, I wanted to honor the two most important Women I know. Women who did a lot of this on their own and held it all together. Women who lost their Father figures and forgot what a Dad was and how important of a role they played, until I showed them by doing my best. I fail, a lot, but I like to keep both these Women on their toes to be honest. I have always been a ball of energy and highly emotional, I got it of course, from one of these Women. And we have all made mistakes, some of us have made really big ones (OK its me, I have) but that all changed when I met my Wife. I was born with a rambling heart, it was encouraged by lots of vacations and free spirit, and also taking a very dim, but totally worth it, decision. I am just here for the ride, they need all the credit.
Happy Mothers Day to all of you, I think my first Mothers Day post went well for once. As always of course, Thank you so much for reading! Enjoy your day! Here's to hoping I have one more year to say this to the Woman who started this all for me.
I love you Mom, you too you Gremlin! with everything I got
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