*DISCLAIMER*
If you read my stuff you have already gotten my overly detailed experience. And this ties in perfectly on how it can help AND damage an unhealed mind. I ain't here to give you a lecture on what happened. This isn't an opinion it's an experience.
"I bash myself to sleep, what you sow I will reap, I scar myself you see, I wish I wasn't me"
-Get Your Gunn
Ok, lets take a walk on back to ohhhhh Summer of 1995. In the easiest way of saying it, I took a really sharp fucking turn. I was into girls first of all. Like I was into girls before, but I was REALLY into girls now. And they all hated me, plain and simple.
One thing I can say, is almost no one understands true hate for the world anymore. Why you ask? I wanna throw out three letters, and you Google them CBT yes, I am a defender of this sacred art, it is saving my life.
Anyways, I had a friend or two, who were about to stop talking to me. My Grandmother had just died. I lost it so bad I was out of school for a week because I wouldn't eat, or drink, or even sleep, I just watched TV and cried. Dudes beat the shit out of me. I had just recently been taken off the football team bench in a heartwarming but slightly embarrassing tirade from my dad against the coach, one of his best friends. I was molded, for what was about to happen next. (cue Twilight Zone music)
"Oh please! Stop fucking whining!"
There were three things I still had. An unhealthy attraction to Cartoons. An unhealthy attraction to morbid and creepy stuff. And a love for rock and roll only at this point I was getting out of Green Day and into much more harmless acquired tastes like GWAR
"The children love the show, but they fail to see the anguish in my eyes"
-Dope Hat
And then one day I was watching MTV, and some total creep was whispering the words to that sweet dreams song, I wasn't paying attention, but as soon as I did, it would be a while before I cared about anyone else. Holy fuck, it was like KISS, no! Alice cooper! No! GWAR! No.. what what fuck was this?! The first chance I had to go to the mall, I scored whatever Marilyn Manson merch I could, I hadn't even heard anything besides one song on MTV. That was totally about to change.
What was it about this dude? Well, I have a lot of musical experiences I remember, But I will never forget how Marilyn Manson truly first made me feel. I don't know how to describe it, but I will try. You know that feeling of, never having to be alone again because you had something totally powerful? I had, an energy, I had created a forcefield. There was now a presence guarding me. This must be what the dude in the cloak felt like when he first found Satan in his moms basement and you know what, that is exactly what it was.
"Hey Sailor! Its me, 1997, remember?!"
"I cant believe in Nothing, That don't believe in me"
-Antichrist Superstar
Ok, this is getting irritating and honestly, I had to shut the dudes music off. I used it to motivate my writing and I just cant. I can't honestly tell myself I was ever THAT broken. I tried taking the decent approach and failed. I changed the tunes, Now lets try this again. Yeesh, it was like a circus themed funeral, on really bad acid. I am almost even more proud of myself for getting past this point in life.
I had lost an identity and created and entirely new one. It became dangerous because I was a sponge and I was at rock bottom in life, without even knowing what that meant. Also, there was a lot of underlying conditions that needed to be addressed. And I was trying to cope through a guy that hurt himself for fun and wrote anthem after anthem for self punishment. My idol had told me that watching yourself bleed was a healthy release. He preached time and time again he was a terrible idol but you know what? It made me fall for the dude even more. It was a vicious cycle, and it didn't end until I addressed myself, which required well... I went through the locked door deal, and I will get more into those travels some other time.
I had become entrapped in black nail polish, Manic Panic and spikey hair, I was like me but, the evil twin version. Jncos? Sure, Scooby Doo lunch box? Yep! Thousands of fancy spiky bracelets? Uh.. duh.. I can't bag on the style, I am not to much different in the 'Dad' version. I traded the Jnco's for 'relaxed fit' and the bracelets for lots and lots.. and uh.. lots.. of tattoos.
What I had to change was influence and behaviors. I had to figure out a way to stop myself from constantly wishing I just wasn't here. But, you know, for being so proud of my new found aggression towards myself, I was always trying to hide it. For thinking I was so undeserving of love, I was terrified of the reaction I would get if anyone found out I was hurting myself.
There is a gray area, I fall into it. A lot of us do. My gray area, is never going to go away and I had to learn that the gray area, is a super small area to roam in. Encouraging it negatively? Disastrous for me. I know for a God damn fact a lot of others like me can say the same. Act as tough as you want.
One day, I wrote a farewell letter in class between me and my notebook, like I had maybe 100 times before, and when I left to go to the bathroom, someone had skimmed the entire book. It was enough to say well... it got super ugly. I was pissed, someone had infiltrated and gone behind my back, I wasn't allowed to return to school until I got help.
The concern wasn't for me of course, they were totally worried about me coming back to school with a weapon (yeah... no, I couldn't even ask for a drink without apologizing, timid really is my middle name). I however, learned some super rad lessons as my first coping skills, that helped me rekindle a lot of old flames, and gave me a smile that made me another friend or two, oh and instead of a razor, I got a skateboard to cause self injury! Now, I finally get to my point.
I obviously, am not a mind reader, I am not a psychic, and I don't have X Ray vision to see the details of what happened. However, Marilyn Manson, for years, was my mentor, I gave up on all and became entrapped by the comfort. It was a dude coercing me to destroy myself to express myself. I want to say if I ever met him there would be a hug like that dude on Howard Stern, but definitely an uncomfortable one. Like it would almost be saying "Thank you, for letting me get so frustrated with life that I had to address the actual issues bugging me that everyone blamed your music on"
Did he abuse someone? I don't know, honestly? Prolly, the dude is dangerous. Seeking comfort in him is also dangerous. Selling broken tunes to broken people. I am sure if you got into his inner circle, you had to be a bit weird (ahem, Trent lets not act like a Saint dude). I applaud the coming forward, and I hope in the future the dude can get actual help. Can we blame anyone for the attraction? No, to find refuge in Marilyn Manson, your issues had to delve deeper, or else honestly, the guy would have been a parody to you. ☠☠
*EDIT*
As of this evening I found out LAPD has performed a Welfare Check on our man here. A full on 'Swarm' I hear after having no contact with anyone amid all this. I also hear you are OK, and amid all this you simply don't want to face anyone or 'be bothered'. I hope you get help. I am totally 100% rooting for you as a human being to get the help I did. Its time man.
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