Ok I got REALLY real in the first part of the whole "Man" stigma. It hit hard, now we get a little more heroic, and where I learned the better portion of who I am when it comes to being a Dad. There, I said THAT and it cleared a lot of air. As much as I admire my Pap, I had a man in my life before that, who taught me love, and how to stand fast ground against the world. I also, bear the brunt of his own Toxicity, and becoming better is something I am working on. Here we go for round 2 of the 'Male Stigma'!
This one is another heavy hitter for me, and explains the background so much more! I come from the coal regions of Pennsylvania, I say that with the HIGHEST honor, I was born on a mountain, most likely where my free will came from. When you live in a coal region, the air is different, the smells, colors, and experiences are genuinely antique almost. Its an experience not too many others get to share. There isn't a lot to do in mountain towns, except reproduce and dabble in hardline drugs, and sometimes, some people decide to do both and you have a product like me. And when I was created, I changed a lot of lives, and we all migrated off the mountain into the valley. Everyone lived and worked together, so.... all my life, I have lived communally as a lone wolf. My Mom has a lot to face, but one thing she was never afraid to do was openly show love, a lot of the time, too much. That's where we are getting into this lesson!
My Mom's family is part of a trend, our women find dudes who just can't fit the mold of everything there were told they 'needed' in a man. A few years later I got REAL lucky, but you already know that story. This one is about a dude just as brave and hardened. My Grandpa came from Brooklyn, where being tough and loud is vital to survival, still to this day. When he moved to the mountains, he did so with the eye for hard work, and the tough skin to head down the shaft. I will never follow those footsteps, its my home, but we all escaped it to be better.
My Grandpa took on a hell of a lot as a man, him and my Grandmother, had hearts of gold (sort of, don't forget loud and mouthy!). But they took on so much to keep their family safe, we were all absolutely broke living in a row of homes, not much ever changed in my Grandpa's life, and he was totally humbled with the amount of providing he did, which around these parts, is ALOT! If you can own a row home instead of renting one, you are just plain set on terms of 'New York roots". We all have our ideas of the dream, I was lucky enough to have THREE men in my life, who thoroughly believed in family and the tradition of it. Only my Grandpa was on a completely different level, he wasn't just involved with his family, he LOVED us, he was FUN and I was attached at the hip, maybe more so than my Pap even, because my Grandpa, made his family his entire being, working just made us money to 'enjoy'.
The two creators of childhood heartache, with an undying love as 'Father and Daughter'
I just wish he would have showed us that life isn't always a good time and you gotta save to get somewhere correctly, or spend wisely. I learned that lesson well, but not from the loving Man talk I needed, as a matter of fact, I never got too many talks outside of "Work, Save, and eventually you get to die". My Grandpa was not that man, he believed in working to provide, and living mediocre to enjoy the money you earn. I ended up with a lot of property, and a lot of taxes, it really takes the enjoyment out of enjoying things. The dude gave me my heart and lust for adventure.
Every Saturday growing up was a tradition of Cartoons with my Cousin and Grandpa, followed by Breakfast at McDonald's and a trip to wherever we ended up that day. Weekends he was off, and weekends were his time to be a loving person giving everyone breaks. He could argue with the best of them, but not around me and my Cousin, that was Heresy. Once he woke the entire family up at 5 AM so we could drive 21 hours to Disney for a week, just because he wanted to, planned the whole thing in private, and then executed with precision. That's the man I try to be, especially since he wasn't always like that.
I have heard all the stories, the are very tragic, its not the dude I know at all. I hear he used to use his aggression more than his hot headed words. I heard other things too, from unreliable sources, and I can only love the Man I knew, more so for overcoming the stories I heard. One day, he was given a choice. "Either put down booze and get help with violence, or the people you lovingly took in will leave you". I guess it hit him like a ton of bricks, because he spent his time on earth, being nothing but supportive. Family was #1, and everyone was family, and he strived for it.
He openly admitted faults after that and showed me that sometimes, even on our best days, we can be kind of a prick, but don't let that define the person you know. One time I credited him as the "Best in the world", and his eyes lit up. In the next moment, he was quickly reminded of how he was not.. such a great person. At the time, I didn't understand the pain, but the words came from the person he loved enough to say "Me and your Mom will love your child forever for you since you are not mature enough". I saw his eyes, they said sad, so I hugged him and watched Star Trek, I didn't realize how meaningful it was to him, until it happened to me. We learn from faults, defining us by them is another stigma we will cover some day.
Back on track here! My Grandfather was a man of strength, he didn't sit in his guilt, he just chose to love, and openly love. He did this the best he could, with no real training, he beat the odds. So many people get honored for being there, but when we leave, we leave the legacy of who is important to us. One day, after a routine of Coffee and smokes in the morning, he passed out in the backyard, and by the end of that, he didn't have much time at all. I don't remember much of the next moments, I pushed a lot of those memories out. I was 9, and it was my first experience losing someone close. And when they brought me in to say goodbye to him, he asked my Mom why she wasn't in school, and looked at me with the coldest eyes I had ever seen and asked me who I was.
I don't speak about that much, but, it really started a process of not getting close to others. He had taught me the first lesson on "Being a Man" by his terms. He hurt me deeply, and I loved him anyways after a time. Sometimes we harbor bad vibes just because we can, for me, I blamed him for leaving, and leaving me here. And then I blamed him more for taking the other people I loved dearly with him and still leaving me. I got over it with a lot of time and effort, now I just remember the times fondly for what they were, and I chose to never let go of the good times as a promise to love forever. I share the best of times, instead of the pain these days, I have worked really hard at that. My Kids, have the best memories of the people they never met.
So, you may be asking where this story gets like, 'lesson learning'.. well, HERE WE GO. In his life, he created love, through constant support, he had damaged a family emotionally, but they worked with him out of love, but, they were damaged in the process. They had been given a toxic amount of love when he had failed them, to replace what he thought was damaging. It was very damaging, but out of love and guilt, he took the wrong approach and made my family love starved, and demanding, and selfish. In the simplest of terms, the Man created monsters, who loved him enough to force him to get fixed, and in return stayed damaged to use it against him. In the end, the people he loved dearly, only encouraged his life continuance. After he passed, it was almost as if it was OK o remember just the bad about him. His mistakes were never forgotten, just hidden behind the idea of "If we love him, he will do stuff for us".
I plan on also delving into this much further in a later post, but the toxic love, is scarring. What my Grandparents left behind became a real cluster of hate and gossip. And in turn, all of us kids became pawns, and the reality of the toxicity of 'Constant love and attention'. I became a product of the land here, and my legacy became trying to be like my Pap, because he stuck around for me. But, I wasn't confused on how to express emotion, I overly excelled at such, and we butted heads all the time about it. My escape from that was a place where I was kind of faced with the worst. To combat no emotional support, I had my Mom to turn to. It was where the most damage of all was done, and it is still a process in the works, it could one day be a novel. Its coming...
I had 9 years with my Grandpa, that's like, a whisper of time in personal opinion, especially when those 9 years were the best of them. What I don't try to do, is create toxic love by being overly involved and emotional. I come from a place where if I did not attend a family function, I was shamed and guilted in the worst of ways. I spent many nights listening to my Mother make my Dad cry because she was taught so well, how to manipulating people to feel a certain way to make demands. Which was, her way.. Again, that story is another time. I chose to walk away from situations with a different outlook, I love hard, but not too intensely, and my kids are free to choose as they wish growing up on the simple issues, I became very sheltered, love became my Moms form of abuse.
I choose to love, and I try not to do so toxically, I am open with discontent, but not at explaining the reason why. I have become very concrete in the idea of "This is what forms me most". I don't want to be known as the guy who never spoke to his family out of resentment and being tired. I have taken on an awful lot in the position I have made the choice to make. Homesteading, is where my heart is, also, so is enjoying the time I have here. How do we balance that? I got lucky, I saw two sides of the spectrum, and how both sides of the spectrum can hurt, and in the end, I chose not to abandon people anymore and live my life for tradition and love of family. It's both humbling, and heart breaking. But, to carry both these legacies, is very important, and in return I find peace within. And my best way of paying back my Grandpa, is to let his mane continue in girl form. He would've loved it.
I am loving, and also, very aware of how to live for myself and be humble with what I have, how? .. Well, I told you I was jumping right into another blog... stay tuned! Thank you as always for reading this far. See you in the next chapter!
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