Ok.... this is a HUGE one, I uh... its gonna take a while to approach because, we have lost all sense of this and really, really, REALLY need to address the reality that, we don't know what the fuck we are doing when it comes to setting healthy boundaries anymore. We have lost all sense of what is toxic, who is toxic, and OK I am totally rambling.. lets uh, try and do this.
First off, I think we need a simple redefining of what boundaries are. Boundaries are all about self care. They establish your relationships in the healthiest of ways. Not enough of them can leave us feeling vulnerable. Too many boundaries, and you can end up like your old friend here. Building a tower to live in like Rapunzel, no one gets in, you don't get out, and if you try, you'll be eaten by mutant alligators from the acid moat! Neither way of living is healthy. Neither way of coping, is going to win you a good support system, we can do this, the right way. We must understand boundaries for all. Boundaries of toxicity are not, "things you don't wanna deal with" they are ways you choose to interact, establish relationships, and function in our privacy and other needs. Lets roll folks!
We are going to dive further here, but essentially there are two mainlines in where to practice healthy boundaries. We have need for physical boundaries, and also intellectual ones for our emotions. When we clearly communicate and express what we don't like, we are communicating our boundaries, such as "I don't like talking about this" or even more simply "I don't like this" these are clear boundaries. We set 90% of our boundaries with ourselves as children, that's what we call "growing up" establishing yourself, your wants, your needs, and your future, how do we forget to do this as adults? Well either way here's a quick reminder.
Physical Boundaries
Does it sound obvious? I hope so! Its easy as pie. It includes such fun ideas as your tolerance to noise level, how you dress, its all a form of expressing the physical things you just don't happen to like. Some examples? Oh say like, personal space, if you are a close talker especially when in confrontation, you have no knowledge of boundaries. Also lets go further, if you are involved in an quarrel and attack the persons personal choice on harmless issues such as clothing or political ideology, you are also not respecting boundaries. Do you not knock? Or say like even announce yourself into a conversation? Do ya check phones and emails? One more example we can use here is oh all those memes we share about our lack of caring about the opinions of others? YOU ARE ALSO UNHEALTHY YOU JOKER! sorry, its a lot of us, I know that, and I love you guys anyways, lets move on.
Intellectual Boundaries
This is where I am going to sock you right in the damn feels! Are you ready?! 1....2......3 These boundaries protect your self esteem, and also ALLOW YOU TO DICATE YOUR FEELINGS FROM OTHERS! Phew, that is a big one. What it means is this, your feelings, don't dictate someone else's. Your bad day, is not the responsibility of someone else to understand. We are not human Zoltars, we cannot predict someone's reaction to how they are feeling, and we are NOTSUPPOSED TO FEEL THE SAME, if there isn't a reason.
I spent many many many years of my life being afraid to address this with people, out of guilt mostly because, I was always brought to the same level as someone else was feeling, whether through verbal and mental or abuse, or punishment to force me to a level of understanding. I was constantly grounded into compliance because I felt things differently. It was not healthy, it was rude and uncalled for. Not "Old fashioned" or respectful. Also obviously, if your fear of expressing boundaries is the threat of violence towards you, PLEASE get help, message your old Dad friend, and I'll help ya the best I can.
There is so much to benefit from asserting your boundaries in safe and healthy ways, I cant stress how much it helps self esteem, and empowerment, and also decision making. If you follow the boundaries of others, you are only headed for disempowerment and someone to make your decisions for you. In the end, you will base all your feelings, on how others feel, losing yourself forever. DO NOT be that person, please. I was, for a very long time. I wanna make this clear YOU DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SOMEONE ELSES MELTDOWNS OUT OF 'LOVE'. Also.. try not to overshare too soon. Those are not healthy boundaries, yep I said it, all you folks that think its funny to argue loud and be dramatic, guess who I'm talkin tooooooo.🖤
Fight of the yes's with a "No!"
Ok ok so here we go again, "What are the good ways to do things Mr. smarty ass man?!" Well again, as usual, I dunno, but I got some ideas! I will try and keep the next part as simple as I can so you can follow along. I am gonna give you my approach and some lessons I was taught to follow round here for my own safety and gratification. So without further nonsense... here's some lessons for all of us.
Clearly set your boundaries, calmly and politely approach the subject with understanding, the other person may simply not have the same boundaries and it is up to you to express how you work as a unit.
You are only responsible for communicating. You are not the other person, it is not your job to maintain their reaction or support banter against your boundaries. This also means, staying away from becoming combative yourself
Always remind yourself you have the right to express how you feel if it does not hurt anyone else, never feel guilt in saying "That's enough"
When you find resentment, there needs to be a boundary, it is the first unhealthy expression towards another, and shows you yourself need to take a breath and set boundaries with that person
Develop a support system of others who respect your boundaries that you can converse with on the matter if you are too hot headed in a position of confrontation with someone else. Remember, this is a pretty deep process that takes time
Can we get more defined on boundaries to feel better and be stronger in our justifications Mr. Dad sir? We sure can! I got another fancy list of stuff for you to analyze into your conversations with others for daily functioning! Lets get even dirtier on the subject!
Feeling Boundary
Learn to psychologically separate yourself from others. We are not all the same, or even in the same situation, and its OK to not have to understand someone's level of feeling. Its also OK to not want to address those feelings, we don't HAVE to be forcefully compassionate. Always recognize the difference between your feelings and someone else's and allow them to even vent sometimes is supportive enough. Is it proper to help others when we are suffering? Well, I don't know, but I choose to leave my door open even when I go through the motions, its also perfectly OK if you DONT DO THE SAME. That's recognition of your own feelings and we are moving along already!
Identity Boundary
You ever heard the term live and let live? Well it existed long before all that "live love comply" nonsense, You don't control everything. Peoples happiness does not depend on you and as long as you know you, be comfy in you, and let others do the same unless they seek conversation. Not everyone is profound as you, and not everyone needs a "lecture" on your theories. If you are asked for help, do so, if not, kind of... worry about yourself.
Information Boundary
This bad boy is all about self disclosure. What does that mean? Well, its about how much you are comfy sharing, no one can force you to tell a story on demand. Sure there's ways of "coaxing" a story out, but that only means you were looking for a reason to share and a comfy moment. If you really don't want to share something with someone, don't. And while you are at it, identify how much you are comfortable hearing from another person, if you don't like hearing life stories, let the person oversharing know this in a polite way. The is NOTHING wrong with this boundary.
Needs and Wants Boundary
BIG BIG BIG one here Ladies and Gentlemen! You have all the right in the world to have your needs and wants addressed, and get tis, at the same time, you gotta drop your shield and accept the same! ISN'T IT GREAT?! HA! We are healing! Even better? You HAVE A CHOICE on fulfilling those needs and wants, if you cant, you can set a boundary saying, "This is where we"....get this... COMPROMISE! Oh man, this is fantastic! Ok, lets move on...
Responsibility Boundary
Here's another bad boy for ya.. ready... YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BEHAVIORS! whoops, did I say that too loud? Need to hear it again? No one is in control of your mood, we do not dictate how someone reacts. It is not anyone's JOB or RESPONSIBILITY to help you... sorry, it is our JOB to help our children is it our KINDNESS that helps adults. You will often hear people say "I don't think its my duty to have feelings for this person in this particular position". As gut wrenching as it may sound to you, its true, if they aren't hurting anyone, let that person be, they are comfortable in their anger at the moment, AND YOU WONT CHANGE THEM. Ok lets move on to the next one troopers! I hope you guys are learning something here
Reality Boundary
Also very important, this is almost VITAL. Stay grounded in the idea that perception is not reality, fact, is reality. What we see, is what is current, what we think is just perception. Without solid reality, its secretive, and not healthy. This goes along the lines of, "Well this is what people really think of your actions" or "Well this person told me the sky is purple soooo.. I am joining a cult because he showed me an 'actual photo'" Get it? When our minds are vulnerable to begin with, we need to stay clear on what we know as safe and factual, not what we think, or what others think, what is solid there and in front of you as evidence. Questioning beliefs is OK but questioning factual reality in a situation can obviously be problematic.
Physical Boundary
Lets all clap with reality for our last lesson. IF YOU ARE NOT COMFY DOING SOMETHING SEXUAL.... DONT! There, I guess that was easy, wait, no it wasn't. IF SOMEONE SAYS STOP.... STOP! Good grief! I cannot, for the fucking life of me figure out why we have an issue with physical boundaries, if I don't want a hug, don't hug me. If something hurts, don't do it, if someone says no you say... OKILY DOKILY.
Are we good here? Phew, ok... that's uh.. that's it... WE DID IT!
This one took days to make comprehensive, it was a tough one, because I am still working on setting boundaries, so it was good for all of us. I am a good dude by nature, despite all belief, I will do anything for anyone, without merit or question, it isn't a completely good thing either. It sucks a lot. Be good, but never overly good, but bitter, but never overly bitter. And to be honest, always be weary in new relationships whether it be personal, professional, so on. You never have to over extend, or over exhaust, there is no rules to friendship as to how exclusive you are. You are a somebody worthy of your comfort, so are others. Hope I helped ya out here, stay rad!💚
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