*DISCLAIMER, THERES LOTS OF MUSIC GOING ON IN THIS ONE, DONT CLICK PLAY ALL AT ONCE! OR DO... ITS KINDA FUNNY...*
One of the worst parts about being mentally ill, like really mentally ill, is burning out. We all have times when we cycle through the moments of "I am really tired of this" especially when you take on a persona of true support. Right now, between not being able to communicate to you guys in almost a month, I have burned out. I turned to hiding things the past few weeks out of frustration, and ladies and gentlemen, I am in a mess. One of the main things I questioned is why I do... any of the things I do. It dwells on a constant basis and hangs a constant rain cloud. Working against Facebooks advertising and reaching 80 people out of 3000, its crushing.
Sometimes I say I need to be doing more. And there's reasons I don't devote myself fully, and those reasons are not fair to anyone here. So today, I am covering ground on the steps to take when everyone's clinical sadness and stresses. I have, and always will reach out to the truly broken. I plan on covering topics such as grief and such moving forward, plus, there's lots more fun stuff coming, because without fun stuff, I am just a driving force to making people better and putting everything I love about myself last. I didn't take this on as a counselor, and I don't get paid here, this is just devotion to helping you all and telling stories and just making this an unpredictable playhouse, my head gets frantic so you never know what I am gonna write about, I like that idea, and I hope you guys too. I have my own dreams I am working on for monetary gain, sure there's all kinds of fun shirts to look through, and maybe one day I will make more and add some fun new stuff that FANS have brought to the table. I have fans, who the fuck would've thought?! I have gotten kind of off topic so lets get into this, what the fuck do we do when we burn out?
I have been at the lowest of the low the past few weeks, and thanks to some really good friends, a headstrong Wife, and some of you checking in made me feel more than just some memer, it gave me purpose. It healed my heart, because its in a bad place. But, I'll always be here doing this, I will always be Surly from the Geek Den, these are my happy places, my prideful places... I AM THE DADMENTED SURLY SMURF. Its definitely true I can get crabby, I am ill, and have learned to accept its never going away. But, what I chose to do with this was devote all my pain into words, and if I'm happy, I am gonna make sure I keep you guys going as well. We all have so many awesome encouraging stories I hold close when you tell them. If you guys are tuning into Geek Den, I would be so honored because this and that are my only communication for just a few more days. The memes go over well, but I really hope everyone is poking around here worrying if I have given up, because I haven't, just the victim one too many lame algorithm decisions. But alive and.... alive. The trick here is, I have been through the cycle so many times I know how to ride the wave, and if the waters get too rough, I know all my favorite life preservers to reach for. Your buddy here is gonna be OK. We got this.
I am diagnosed, I am awesomely Aspergered! And I will be ok!
Phew... sorry... anyways, lets get into this one finally. So, what do we do when burned out? Well, it depends on who you are. Some people shut off completely and disappear from everyone for a month, others are open and tell people when they need a breath. There is also those who choose to be involved, but vindictive. They mask they resentment by comparing or outdoing issues, belittling or pushing of those in need because we have reached the end of our rope trying to help them. I am very headstrong, I don't like to brag but I have saved a lot of people from themselves over the years. It's why I do this, for free, and always will. In the end, I am just someone struggling beside you with a bit more paperwork to type out from years of trying to help myself. It's not always easy, it's never magically going to become easy, and I just ride the wave trying to help others. I am fair, and loyal, and that's not going to change. Over the last few weeks I have dealt with things in different ways until I slipped and started hanging from the ledge. Today, I was able to pull myself back up and take a breather. I can work on myself again.
I have a lot of music on this one roaming around, I encourage you to listen because I am highlighting what helped me pull back up, friends, family, and lots and lots of music
I have hidden a lot, I have my own struggles daily, I don't burden too many people with them and the right people know when its time to help. I was always honored when someone said "Thank you for helping me" still am, because I am a mess, and it makes me better knowing I made someone's mood brighten. Taking advantage of that fact, sometimes even unknowingly, is a strong stigma. We often make it so easy to confide that someone with nowhere else to go will attach, and in our case, we took a lot on as people just trying to be supportive. Never realizing that sometimes the give and take is not fair or even paid back. Some, are struggling so deeply inside that they often build themselves up, or attach an unhealthy coping skill in venting to where the smallest thing becomes unbearable without others.
It's just human nature, we decide what path of that nature we take, leaders, or followers. I have never once been a follower. You guys are safe here, vent away, if you have no one to talk to, talk to me. It's the one way I can return how much everyone including you has helped me. I am thick headed like my Mom, no matter how low I get, I'll always rise like a Phoenix. A modern day story teller, one of the last left. It gets exhausting to keep up with sometimes, I think I say that openly enough. I do my best but I also fight a lot, and my answer was always shutting down and running away.
When I lost my Pap I had no one, my Family hides feelings, and tend to mine, so I was completely alone in losing my Father figure. It's only been two years, I am still pretty deep in the loss. But with the encouragement of the people who loved me, instead of hiding my story, or sharing it to people who react different, I should reach out and help people. Which is what I chose to do, and in that journey, my life has changed completely. I will admit right here, that I almost ran away again, more than once in my journey of grief. When the road calls, it kills to be grounded and focused on a family. Its not always sunshine and rainbows obviously, I love being a Dad but my biggest struggle is being "stuck" I am a Rambler, even if it means a Wayfaring one, I have always travelled. It was hard, and then my second surgery came and dismantled all thoughts of ever picking up and travelling again. I cant even put a shirt on without help and I got real angry.
So, I tried my hand at some Facebook groups. I came to what I knew, and absolutely did not click with anyone, it became mostly promotion. Then one day, someone shared a story in one of the groups I was in, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I came to the comments to defend the man from any criticism, but there was none, it was just total support for his issue. Dudes helping dudes, so, being the new guy, I shared my story. I have made lifelong friends by doing that who have changed my life in so many ways its not even funny. They ripped me right out of my shell, gave me drive for what I do. I owe them pretty much everything for keeping me around here, a lot of late nights, still to this day. A webshow that is gaining ground with my three best friends ever, even my Wife speaks highly of them all. I am a Punk Rock Dad, its just where I fit. So where am I going with this? Its the main part of the story and you'll learn a lot here!
Lets move on to the big finale!
I had something back, a piece of my heart that was long gone, I was travelling and learning again, from home, I have friends from all around the world, some I embrace as best friends I have spent physical time with in lots of different places, and new friends I made by being open. I developed a very close knit family. A core group of people I love outside of the people I am expected to. That's not being said to be mean, I love my family, I love being a Dad, a Son, a Nephew and so on, but everyone needs an escape from the expected love into something genuine. What happened here, the moral of the story, is I gave too much for too little. I chose to keep everyone as "Family" and it became a word that merely meant "Support".
It didn't mean any more fun times with these people, it meant putting a lot of work into each day and forgetting my own goals, and my truly close friends. I did fine at first, and then I realized I was throwing things away, and not making time to reach you guys here, or write anymore, I just became focused on solving problems daily, instead of just helping my friends along like they were me. I also started ignoring myself, my own struggles, and piled them on as the dreaded "Daily issues" everyone else was facing, and in return I was thrown into the void alone. My first plan was to once again run away from everyone, and give up all me dreams.... I almost threw away this place, and the place I created with the dudes I love. But.. most importantly... I almost threw myself away. I have too much riding these days to do that. I almost, shut myself down forever.
But here comes the great ending! I didn't! And I wont! Because I am strong, and I am a pain in the ass to the illness that tries so hard to define me. I will always find a way to beat it even though I live in the Grey Area, which is a whole article of explanation in itself coming up soon to help you all along. My goals, and the people most important to me are clear in my life these days. I have not turned my back, but directly said I need a break to deal with my own things and made it a little less overwhelming, to often we throw people away we can no longer deal with, and I refuse to do so without strong evidence to suggest I should. And most of the time, there is not a whole lot of merit for throwing folks way as "Toxic" when they clearly just want help. There are lots of people in the moment, in the groups, in anywhere in life that can help others when you can't.
There should be no shame or cold shoulders when agreeing to help someone even if it gets overwhelming. We have lost humility, everything becomes about us. We create toxic scenarios to build ourselves as heroes sometimes, and those people cannot be helped, and I learned this lesson well. I have learned a lot of things. I have learned negatives, like some people share stories to compare and shame. Some of us see friends as customers, or develop personas that we are better sometimes.
Then, I learned that some people, will truly devote their meaning of friendship and family to you, and will carry you and reach out as much as you do for them. And I will never give up on anyone, but I choose from this point forward to devote my time to the people who truly need it, including myself, so I can always be doing this, and making a positive influence. My only life goal is to always be on the front lines for all of you who truly need help, I will always devote my time to crisis, or even a dumpy day for someone close to crisis. We are all in this together. All I ever ask in return is that we keep the "together" in our story, equal love and help. And all of your on my page are awesome at that! I am more than just a memer though, I have a lot going on. And for weeks if not months, its been a lot of memes, and not so much help because I exhausted myself on people who took my kindness daily and created an echo chamber never truly getting or wanting help.
Here is where I thank everyone once again for everything they have done for me. I love you all so fucking much, I really do.
Thanks as always for reading my incoherent babble, I try so hard, and in the end, I love doing it. Call a friend today, message someone you haven't talked to in a while, don't forget the people who held you closest and grabbed you in a bear hug before you went too far gone, but never let you stop helping yourself.
STAY RAD!
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