In my years I have faced a few diagnosis. The HARDEST step of getting help, is opening up enough to address what kind of help you need. When I was first diagnosed, I was Manic Depressive, which within a day became Bipolar. And that was kind of just it. Like they had magically proved some type of point with me, and I was pushed off into the statistic pile. I was handed a pill or two, I was told it had nothing to do with my learning pattern, I was fine, and this pill, was going to fix me.
A guarantee to sell to parents, yes, they still do it. I was a common issue in '90's teens'. Words like Anxiety or even PTSD didn't really mean that much, they were side effects of the Bipolar! To be "Schizophrenic". Was almost whisperable, like legendary, it was a terrifying thought. We were all warned that without taking our meds, that's where we would end up, talking to ourselves and sleeping in a box. We have gone through great lengths to address mental illness since the mid 2000's.
It's been about 6 years.... 6.. out of 25 years, that I have been properly diagnosed. It came down to a lot of talking, receiving, and communicating instead of just talking about what bugged me, I had to give honest answers on why and how. It wasn't overnight, it took me about a year to get properly diagnosed. A year of therapy twice a week, inpatient and outpatient groups and hospitals. I had made a decision that for my family I was going to get truly healthy and finally express myself to doctors. During that time, I was introduced to something terrifying as a more than possible reality.
Schizophrenia, it started as like, 'locker room talk' between me and my counselor, and then one day it was certified in a diagnosis, but in a really confusing way called Schizoaffective Disorder. I have 10/10 schizophrenic symptoms, what made it confusing for me is I also have a lot of severe depression and mood disorders. The hard part for US was addressing all of the tendencies that had never been addressed, at 31 years old. If you are feeling these, I mean like FEELING them, there is a series of tests your doctor can help you with to make the determination.
The diagnosis led to another terrifying world, Autism, no fucking way.... yep... I am on the spectrum in quite a way. Reading my stuff, you can tell some of the other symptoms, and the others, I cant really explain but I will eventually try. My diagnosis was also leading to something I never truly experienced. Anxiety, like not "butterflies" or "irritability" in public, I mean like, quitting jobs on a split decision or crying because I tied my shoes 'wrong'. I was paranoid that if I looked at someone the wrong way, they were going to obliterate me.
This was the life I lived, and in return for all my fears and anxiety, I imploded on my wife like 5 times a day out of frustration. She got all the feelings I was holding in, my wife, kicks everyone's fucking ass, plain and simple. She never once stopped me from venting, while letting me know I was out of line, she knew and knows triggers, and how to plan ahead. I had to become very self aware, and there is no way I could have without her. My giant folder of info for you? Yeah, thank her.
I was waking up at 4:30 AM terrified, and it only got worse and the hours ticked away. I was, terrified of confrontation (still am), easily manipulated (yep), and always begging my Wife to just give in and let me lay on the floor in a ball (No! We are healing!). All because I had to face a lot of other things I will address that I totally got myself into. I broke down completely trying to figure it out, and spent three days away from my kids. It was my first time being hospitalized with children. It was gripping and I made a vow to myself to address this so I would never have to take these steps without them being able to cheer me on.
There were several things I had to face to even begin to move forward. One of the was that this, is who I am. This is never going to go away, ever, there isn't a cure. There's no magic bean. It is a lot of work personally and internally. It is being heard, and also using humility in admitting you made mistakes and want to learn to repair. Things are going to add up. New things are going to surface. I have an extensive record, from PTSD and Schizoaffective disorder, down to Reclusive Anti Social Tendencies and on and on we go. These things, will never define me I AM ME It's ok to be broken. It's even better to be healing. Also, I AM AUTISTIC I DONT SUFFER FROM IT ANYMORE
I have been effected severely by years of ignorance to diagnosis. I have to live with it and heal from this point forward. I am taking steps my friends, I invite you all to do the same with me! This is what embracing the weird truly is. If you're illness ever makes you cry, message me and we can talk and laugh it out. I'm not cool guy celebrity, we are the parenting revolution!
My way of helping myself is writing things out to help you along the way. For our children, for their children, and so we can leave a less fractured world. Even if we don't want to be here in it, which is ANOTHER issue I will delve into round here. Healing is the word of the day here, and to heal we need to try to be at least halfway positive, and even half assed positivity does wonders! Through my illness, it takes me up to 8 hours to write out one 4 minute read for you, I will never stop doing so as long as it reaches you, or helps you, or gives you something to laugh at. We are gonna rock this thing called life together!
Mend Your Wounds Here Friend!
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