"The best years of your life are the ones you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame your Mother, the Ecology, or the President. You realize that you control your destiny"
-Albert Ellis
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
It sounds complicated, or like forgiving or 'giving up'. In fact, its the exact opposite. Its an entire change in one single person, and its very hard at first. However, it gets easier to understand, and as you come to understand this, you will come to a new understanding of yourself to work further. Don't trust me? Well, I have been in treatment 25 years and I didn't trust a fucking thing. I am telling you as a friend, trust me. This isn't a forgiveness deal for anyone but you.
This is rationalization for an unpredictable time where we let feelings dictate our entire being, and our health further declines because paranoia is a hot seller. On all ends of every spectrum. I didn't start actually healing, until I learned how to actually heal.
So what is REBT? Well a PERFECT example is our recent American Presidential Election. We assume someone's stance in society by their faults and what makes us angry about THEIR CHOICES. Instead of more accurately saying "Your behavior is making me mad!" but don't forget to add "Because I expect you to act a certain way to fall into my safety net of trust and understanding" No one is MAKING you anything, you noticed their behavior and became angry. It is kind of your responsibility, not theirs.
In short It is generally irrational and self defeating to frustrate yourself over faulty assumptions based on unrelated behavior.
Now, in a lot of cases, this isn't the case and something or someone is making you angry for valid reasons, address those reasons first and then come back here. This is based on our reaction to what we perceive, not active issues that should concern us all. I will say it again, if you need help, get help, please. If you need help doing that, find me on Facebook.
This entire response most likely sounds totally nuts to you, but it is one hell of a way of dealing with problematic anger and frustration. You cannot justify anything in any conversation out of anger, you can excuse it but, justification? Meh. To say words aren't gonna linger in some way would be silly. We can't expect people to do what they should. And pushing them to forcefully comply with what we say while berating them is abuse in itself. You might as well walk around with a giant 'aggravate me' button.
It took me a long time to convince myself that, my feelings were not the only ones in question. I was in fact dictating how everyone acted based on my reaction to what they said and who I would blame it on. Instead of having an understanding, I made the others out to be monsters to justify my overreactions. No Bueno, we simply cannot do that. How do you change demands? With the word "Preference". We can't simply demand someone act a certain way, they are just going to mask their feelings and eventually they will act out against you. It starts with your ABC's.
Example
Activating Event: I tried to do something and failed
Belief: I must always be successful
Consequences: Negative thoughts, feelings
Dispute: It is not "written in stone" that success is a one time chance
Effective New Belief: I would PREFER to be successful be being REALISTIC is the goal
Does it sound hard? It is, I wont lie, but the sense of understanding causes that much more healing. I thoroughly believe that you cannot even take the first steps into the rest of your help without REBT. I have been down this road a long time as I said, and my path to actual healing didn't even begin until I started practicing this art. NO I am not a pro at this, like at all, but it helps when I write this out and I am here to try and simplify its craft. I am giving you a term here, follow it well, it was expressed to me with as much humor as it sounds like. I don't care how broken you are, let this be your first steps to smiling.
'MUSTERBATION'
It simply means the occurrence of using MUST demands in your thinking
Need some examples of musterbating? Sure!
They MUST see it my way
The sun MUST shine
I MUST not feel overwhelmed
People MUST not take me for granted
I MUST be recognized
This person MUST think this way
Get it? ☺
The are also three ways of determining whether or not your belief is rational. What is rational thinking VS. irrational? Follow these three easy questions in a bad situation if you can to process reality. Sometimes, I cant process reality worth a damn. but I can do it ten times better since I started asking these to myself.
Does my belief help or hinder my thought process in the long run?
Sometimes the best defense is long term thinking, if applicable of course. Is it helping or hurting you to fight these battles? It is warranted with experience?
Is my belief consistent with known reality?
Sometimes the TV talks to me, that's a part of my illness, but if able, I do my best to stay grounded by questioning what I know as historically factual. To let my mind run wild would be to let it melt away. Stay in tune with what "always was" to know what always will be.
Is my belief logical?
Even in the most extreme moments, I try to take the .5 seconds to head in this direction in any situation. I have to understand the trust within myself due to illness, sometimes, I am not the best source for answers. It is OK to say, I don't know, help me.
What we do, especially while being ill isn't easy. I tried to make sense here for all of us. This is also a self written moron proof guide for me to follow because, lets be honest, I am trying to practice what I preach. I will try and keep these as short and simple as possible. This is my best defense on handling the world with genuine understanding and happiness. Thanks for tuning in to this weeks episode!
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